


To You and I.

by shotguncas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Because he said yes, Birthday Presents, Canon Universe, Castiel (Supernatural)'s Birthday, Dean isn't around, Declarations Of Love, Eventual Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Hurt Castiel, Jack is Castiel's Son, Love Confessions, Love Letters, M/M, Matchmaker Sam Winchester, Post-Season/Series 13, Pre-Season/Series 14, Sort Of, but not in this fic, future relationship, have i mentioned, still worth it tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-07-20 22:48:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16147181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shotguncas/pseuds/shotguncas
Summary: Castiel doesn't have Dean with him on his birthday, but what he gets as a present from him opens a door to a future full of birthdays and anniversaries together.As soon as they can find their way back to one another.





	To You and I.

 

Castiel could not tell if not sleeping was a good thing or a bad thing anymore.

He knew that if he did sleep, he wouldn’t want to wake up ever again. On the other hand, staying awake was becoming unbearable.

Michael was completely MIA, Dean with him. Jack had become human, and the emotions were overwhelming not only to him, but to Cas and Sam as well. Sam wasn’t determined, which wasn’t any better. Both him and Cas were depressed, not knowing where to start looking for him or getting over it all.

Going through the days seemed to be getting harder with each passing one. Sometimes Cas would wake up and disappear for the whole day, scanning all the possible places and reaching contacts that could let him know of Dean’s whereabouts. Other times he couldn’t do more than curl himself in bed, look at old photographs and think of his fondest memories to will the bad thoughts away. It was a rollercoaster, and not the fun kind.

September 18th was one of the bad days. It was two in the afternoon and Castiel was still laying on his bed, facing up, drowning in memories from the past 10 years of his life. He could not believe he wasn’t going to at least _see_ Dean on the day that completed a decade of him being on earth, _with him_. He felt like he had already cried enough, so he sat up and looked down at himself. For a few seconds, he stared at his crimpled white shirt and trousers, and then looked up to the coat draped over the chair, thinking that he could go out looking for Dean for a few hours.

A soft knock on the door made him look away from the chair.

“Cas?” Sam’s voice came through, muffled.

Castiel took a deep breath. He didn’t want to see anyone… not that day.

“Cas, bud… Jack and I have something for you.” Sam tried again. “We’d really like you to open the door for us.”

“Please.” Jack’s voice came following.

Castiel sighed in what felt like relief, and in slightly slow steps, walked to the door. As he opened it, he saw how surprised Sam’s expression was.

“Cas.” He said with a gasp.

Castiel nodded and tried to smile. Sam looked at Cas for some more seconds, then looked at Jack and cleared his throat.

“We… uh, we prepared something for you in the kitchen.” Said Sam, nervously. Jack pointed at the corridor with a smile.

“Of course.” Castiel nodded. “Lead the way.”

Castiel followed Jack and Sam towards the kitchen, the three of them in silence. As they were reaching the entrance, Jack stopped and turned around.

“We made you a surprise.” He said with a smile, then pointed behind him and gave way so that Cas could enter the kitchen.

There was a yellow cake on the table and colored balloons glued to the wall.

“Happy Birthday, Castiel!” Jack said, and awkwardly hugged Cas’ right side.

Castiel gasped and held Jack’s arms as best as he could.

He stared at the simple decoration for a few seconds. Completely in awe.

“Thank you.” He whispered.

Jack let him go and looked up at him.

“Thank _you_ …” Jack said hesitantly, seeming to want to add something else, but simply stepping back.

Castiel nodded slightly, letting some of the tears fall.

“Cas.” Sam walked closer and placed a hand on Cas’ shoulder, until he turned around. “Happy birthday, man.” He said, wrapping his arms around Cas, hugging him tight.

Castiel nodded into the hug, and squeezed Sam tight in comfort, both to Sam and to himself.

“Thank you, Sam.” Cas said as he leaned back. “This is all very thoughtful.”

“Not a problem, man.” Sam shrugged. “I’m happy to have you around. Jack too.”

Castiel nodded, and Sam pointed at the table. The three of them sat down, and after a quiet, gentle “happy birthday” singing, led by Jack, Sam cut three slices of the vanilla cake.

They ate mostly in silence, and once they finished, Jack handed Cas a box wrapped in newspaper.

“I made you something.” Jack said, looking at him expectantly.

Cas’ eyebrows rose, and he looked up from the box to Jack’s eyes.

“That’s very kind, Jack.” Said Cas, smiling. “I appreciate it.”

“Open it.” Jack urged him.

With a chuckle, Cas tore the paper away and opened the brown box. Two sculptures were laying over plain white paper.

A faceless little human figurine and a pair of wings.

“I made it out of newspaper and magazines!” Jack announced happily. “It’s you!”

Castiel stared at the objects for long minutes, tears flooding his eyelids, his throat completely tight. He lightly caressed the sculptures with the tips of his fingers.

“Did… did you like it?” Jack mumbled warily.

Castiel looked up at him and smiled.

“I loved it.” He said, and reached to squeeze Jack’s shoulder. “Thank you, Jack.”

With a big smile on his face, Jack surged forward and winded both arms around Cas’ neck.

“Thank you for being my father.” Jack whispered into the hug.

Castiel secured the box over his thighs and hugged Jack bag, tightly.

“It’s my pleasure, Jack.” Cas whispered back, his eyes closed.

After a few seconds, they leaned back, and Castiel placed the box over the table.

“I’m so thankful to have you as my family.” Castiel said, drying his cheeks with a piece of paper towel from the table. “Both of you… and Dean as well.” He mumbled.

Jack and Sam both nodded, not knowing what to say. Sam then touched Jack’s shoulder and nodded towards the door, so Jack squeezed Cas’ knee in comfort and left the kitchen.

“I have something for you.” Sam said. He got up and walked to a cabinet by the entrance of the kitchen.

“You didn’t have to get me anything, Sam.” Cas shook his head, looking down.

“It’s not from me, actually.” Sam said quietly.

Castiel frowned and looked up, watching as Sam approached him once again with a piece of paper in hand, in the shape of an envelope.

“A month after you came back, Dean made me promise to pick this up from a drawer in his bedroom and give it to you in case he wasn’t around on your birthday.” Sam explained. “I don’t know what it is, I haven’t opened it. All I know is that he wanted you to have this only if he wasn’t… uhm, here.”

Castiel looked into Sam’s eyes with worry.

“I’m sorry he isn’t’ here, Cas.” Sam said with a shake of his head. “You two deserve so much better.” He sighed a bitter, slightly angry laugh.

Castiel nodded, looking away from Sam’s face.

“Love isn’t something simple to find, and I’m sorry for everything you and Dean have to go through.” Sam said, offering the envelope. “I hope things can be different someday.”

Castiel took the envelope, and felt Sam giving him an encouraging tap on the shoulder.

He stared at the white envelope for long minutes, and then took Jack’s present in hand and walked to his bedroom. Cas sat on his bed with the paper in hands, opened the envelope and took the letter from inside it.

Dean’s handwriting was all over it, the thin traces made from black ink, probably from that one pen he had got excited about finding in a storage room in the bunker.

Cas unfolded the papers, and took a deep breath before starting to read the first words.

_Castiel,_

_I’m not very good with spoken words, you know that. So I thought to write this letter instead, and try to put into written words what I can’t say out loud to you._

_I have a lot to say, actually, but feelings are the worst and I can never explain them properly. But I will try…_

_It’s been ten years since we met… do you know how much that is? It’s 3653 days. We have known each other for around 87.672 hours. More than 315.619.200 seconds. That’s A LOT. Not for you, probably, since you were born “with the dawn of creation” and time is different for you, but for a human like me that’s a lot… it’s like 25% of how much I’ve lived._

_All these million seconds have been the best part of my life, actually. The other amount seems meaningless when I compare to how these past ten years were._

_I would like to thank you for bringing faith into my life, for showing me free will, and teaching me how to rebel. For being yourself and always doing what you thought was the right thing. For following an incredible path and fighting good fights._

_You are a true example, of both angel and human._

_Our friendship is the thing I value the most in my existence. No, not friendship… relationship is a better word to describe what we have._

_I know I’ve been calling you a brother for a long time now. But I can’t anymore, because I’ve been lying both to you and to myself. It’s difficult to admit what I really have going on inside me every time I see you or talk to you, hear you or hear of you. What I feel every time our enemies use our “bond” as the way to reach us and break us._

_I’ve been so afraid of admitting how I really feel about you, Cas… it’s scary, scarier than facing creatures and monsters and “big bads”. Because what I feel is so real, so genuine and so… raw. The feelings are so fragile, so authentic. And I don’t know what to do with them._

_I can’t say what I want to say to you. I can’t look at you for too long, because it pains me. I can’t talk about you without sounding like a teenager. I can’t touch you for longer than ten seconds without wanting to drop everything and just hold you close to me… forever._

_All of that happens because not having you as more than a friend hurts. It hurts so badly._

_I didn’t know longing before I met you, and now I can’t get rid of it. I long for you while having you in front of me, looking at my eyes, touching my shoulder, speaking to me._

_Reading all of what I just wrote made me notice that I said many important things, but there’s something else you need to know…_

_I love you, Castiel._

_And there’s no pain bigger than that._

_There is no failed hunt, no broken bone, no loss, no bruise, no scar, no death that hurts more than loving you._

_Maybe if I actually had you, it would hurt a little less. However, it would still hurt, because there are thoughts and feelings that wouldn’t let me live in peace. The knowledge that I would never be enough for you, that there’s no way a simple human with no goals in life and a bunch of sins and bad baggage could be good for you… an angel._

_Loving you isn’t bad, Cas, I need you to understand that. It’s only painful because you are so much. You’re too good, too kind, too beautiful, too holy, too perfect… too much for a dumb human like me._

_I wish I could just drop my insecurities and love you freely, take you on dates, be with you when you enjoy new things, hold your hand, cuddle you and make love to you._

_But I can’t do any of that, because our life isn’t that simple, isn’t that easy. I’m here, writing this letter with months in advance, because with the instability of our lives, I can’t be sure that we’ll be together, or even alive, when September comes._

_That’s no way to live, man…_

_And while we live like this, I can never even try to do right by you, because I would be only embarrassing myself._

_I love you, Cas, and I’m sorry for that._

_Maybe I shouldn’t even be writing this letter after all. It’s pointless, I’ll never have the guts to give it to you anyway._

_Well…_

_Happy Birthday, Castiel._

_And Happy Anniversary to you and I._

_Love,_

_Dean Winchester._

 

Castiel’s chest was heaving. His eyes were completely wet with tears. His throat was tight. His fist almost tearing the paper.

One last sob broke from his chest, and he took a deep breath.

With both the envelope and the letter in hand, Castiel strode out from his bedroom. He looked for Sam in his bedroom and then in the kitchen, only to find him at the library, reading with Jack.

Cas approached them fast, breaths coming way too quickly from his body, and slammed both papers on the table, startling Sam and Jack.

“We need to find him…” Said Cas, voice shakier than ever before, emotions boiling in his throat. “I need Dean back.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> *raises glass* here's to hoping Dean and Cas can find their way back to each other soon *cries*


End file.
